The Indie
Forget Top of the Pops, it’s all about Topshop; but with jeans so immensely tight, it sometimes seems as if there just wasn’t enough fabric to go around. The Indie’s world revolves around three ideals: smart yet scruffy; arrogant yet amiable; and memorising the NME Cool List. Don’t you dare tell them you like the bands they’ve got tiny badges of though because nobody’s supposed to have ever heard of them! They’re indie for fuck’s sake!

The Rah
Jack Wills has to be the single most ridiculously mindless fashion in the world. It’s incredibly easy to feel sorry for these people, but buying something with a made up price tag for a style that resembles Harry Potter on parade cannot be easy. It’s ill advised to cross one before their daily caffeine hit though or you will feel the full wrath of the Ugg boot!

The Book Soldier
Deeply engrossing themselves into their academic attributes is a common course of action for this sensible-night knights, albeit with a pen rather than a sword. Here we have somebody who thinks beauty comes in the form of a complex algorithm which will one day solve the mystery of which combination of cords and woolly jumper to wear.

The Raver
Look for anything shiny or luminous and you will find them immediately but speaking to a Raver is a lot more difficult. Firstly there’s the inevitability of total intoxication, the mandatory 100kW sound system and trying to decipher the faux-urban dialect is also a challenge. Try writing some of these translations down: ‘Bare’ = A lot of. ‘Brass’ = Not good. ‘Sick/Jokes’ = Brilliant. Act like you’re out of a Guy Ritchie film and you’re already half way there.

The Chugger
Up for anything so long as it involves a cheeky pint and then a handful of strawpedos. To be accepted as a Chugger you’ve got one task alone - prove your masculinity at all costs! The challenge is to pull the equivalent number of girls as you have downed pints. Don’t get confused though, to the Chugger, girls are a lot less interesting than beer, discard them as you would that kebab you’ve just chundered in.

Richard Entwistle