Hearken the twelve dongs of New Year! 365 days of degeneracy and the brain rushes to update your life-story, soldering another chapter of botched lifestyle choices onto corroding memory banks. Take a look over your shoulder and praise the obsolete decision making apparatus that oversaw each and every action. Oh me oh my! You’re the inheritor of a boiled-dry pan of fucked-up life beans. What you need, is a clean slate.

Morally bankrupt cretins we are, humans have developed an effective method to evade compacted Bad Karma – and we term them New Year Resolutions! Once a year the Life Fairy tip-toes into whatever club, pub or ditch we’ve washed up into this New Year’s Eve and offers ‘one more chance’ to cleanse our soiled hearts; anything to halt a deluge of tears on the twelfth gong and stop us dwelling on what a waste of space we are.

Three cheers for the Life Fairy – for although a gorilla sized mental breakdown beats against your skull, she’ll haul you up by the collar and offer repentance. Simply PROMISE you’ll ‘do better’ and with a flourish of her wand the guilt beat is banished.

In the morning an after image of self-disgust will remain, a flash-bulb reminder of her soul-saving visit - the Life Fairy had some baggage she wanted carrying, remember?
Thou shall NOT smoke.
Thou shall NOT drink to excess.
Thou shall NOT waste money on impulse bought clothing.
Thou shall NOT covet every member of the opposite sex.
Thou SHALL attend the gym (the agony!).
Thou SHALL start learning Spanish.
Thou SHALL enjoy the company of your parents (they can literally SEE my sins!).
Thou SHALL pick up the guitar.
Thou SHALL recycle more.

You’ve done it again; hand on heart, sworn blind, PROMISED selfishly, to save yourself from yourself. Each of us will promise and each will break our new vows come, say, January 10th? And how will the Life Fairy cope, wiping spit from her face after stewarding demons back to the precipice? Well, she won’t give a damn. Why? Well, she doesn’t exist does she. For, when in you spit in the Life Fairy’s eye, you’re really just gobbing all over yourself. But you can do one good act this New Year - just keep ONE of your resolutions, just one. You’ll feel a whole lot better for it.

Paul Lever