Pisces
Female Pisceans, you are definitely pregnant this month, so congratulations. Male Pisceans, you will have an alien chew its way out of your stomach, which will still be much nicer than childbirth.

Aries
With Jupiter ruling your chart this month, you will be lucky to survive at all. Mystic’s advice: do everything Jupiter says, and keep your head down. Good luck.

Taurus
Well, aren’t you popular this month! Especially with genital lice, they can’t get enough of you. You could be in for a wild ride – those little guys know how to party.

Gemini
This month comes with a free bonus day that you can add onto the end of your life, for settling accounts – or seeking revenge.

Cancer
This month you may find pressures build up around you, until it is almost unbearable. Or do I just think that because I really need a wee? It’s so hard to tell.

Leo
Check your moles this month, for colour change, hair growth etc, to be on the safe side. Also make sure they are digging straight and eating all their slugs.

Virgo
This month you are really going places! Mostly just to work and the shop, but also, you’ll miss your usual bus stop and get off one stop along, which will be an adventure!

Libra
This month has a thrilling start when you find a winning lottery ticket in the street and Angelina Jolie leaves Brad Pitt to be with you. Then you wake up.

Scorpio
This spring, concentrate on getting things achieved in the short term. Like getting that bit of jam out of your hair. That’s been there since Christmas.

Sagittarius
You may feel overwhelmed by the thought of change this month. Mystic advises that you do things in your own time. Turn your pants inside out first, and change them when you are ready.

Capricorn
With clear-eyed Saturn in your chart, you may have noticed that most people are just better than you, in every way. Deal with it – jealousy is such an ugly word. So is ‘flange.’

Aquarius
With that old rogue Mercury rising behind you, be cautious – don’t bend down for the soap. Your lucky old person: the one in the woolly hat, from the corner shop.