Scorpio
You’re on fire at work! And then obviously, you are off work for some time. On the plus side, that nurse who changes your bandages is definitely giving you the eye. Something to think about after the last blister pops.

Sagittarius
You’re on fire at work too! Oh, no. I mean you will be fired. It’s because of the “Unspeakable Incident”. Seriously, a lobster? You’re gross.

Capricorn
Things have been slow for you recently, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. If you can reach it, your parents can stop arguing about whether to turn off your life support.

Aquarius
Be cautious in the home. All the doorknobs need to be touched eight times before you go to bed or everyone you love will die. Don’t forget.

Pisces
Oh Pisces, you’re up to your elbows in it! In what? You’ll see. The worst part is where your skin comes off in sheets. Don’t touch your eyes, either.

Aries
With argumentative Jupiter rising in your charts, resist any urge to fight. If you close your eyes and think of other things it’ll be over faster. Don’t you know that by now?

Taurus
This is an excellent time to get to know someone close to you. It will have to be Stabby Hands Bob since as of next week, you will be together twenty-three hours a day.

Gemini
Working with others is important for you right now. They will definitely catch you soon unless you take a chance and trust someone. Your lucky border: Mexico.

Cancer
Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. The dog has definitely eaten something you have been looking for.

Leo
Your generous impulses may backfire. Oh well, we all have to go sometime, and at least you will look like a hero. A bit stupid, but heroic. Shame about the skidmarks.

Virgo
An adventure beckons! …in your head. Other than that it is all the same for you. Work, sleep, eat, loneliness. Your lucky colour: grey…grey, grey, grey.

Libra
You’re on fire in the bedroom but by the time you realise it, she will be long gone. Just get the ointment and stop scratching it.