Cancer
Sand gets everywhere doesn’t it? Yes, it’s all very passionate at the time but those microscopic shrimp have to lay their eggs somewhere. Just make sure you get medical insurance first.

Leo
Jupiter is ruling your chart and he says, ‘No festivals for you this summer!’ It’s okay though, your life will be a bit like a festival. You won’t be sleeping, eating or washing enough. And you will be living in a tent. Sweet.

Virgo
Summer of love for you, Virgo! And don’t let people tell you it won’t last or that it’s unnatural and sick. And don’t let them catch you. Alright, it’s legal, but only because it’s too strange for anyone to have made a law about.


Libra
A lost Frisbee leads to an adventure in the bushes for you, Libra. I won’t say any more except that I am happy for you both. You have been so lonely, and Scabby Bob has been waiting in the bushes for a long time.

Scorpio
A sad summer, Scorpio. Aliens will almost certainly infiltrate your brain. First sign is likely to be thinking that you can hear reggae coming from next door’s garden.

Sagittarius
Looking good, Sagittarius! Got your beach body ready - I mean beach-ball body obviously - but it’s all summery anyway. You bounce down to the beach and let those rolls just roll on out.

Capricorn
Everyone knows that Capricorns are sweaty but good lord, this summer is looking like one long wet T-shirt contest for you, you slippery sucker. I don’t know what to tell you, except to carry a towel at all times.

Aquarius
Holiday romance this summer, lucky Aquarius. Short-lived but so magical and passionate. And you will remember it afterwards, every time it hurts to pee. Ah, Stavros, you big hairy dreamboat.

Pisces
With Neptune, planet of cruel irony, ruling your chart, you will spend all summer looking wistfully out of the office window at the glorious day, and then as soon as you go out to eat your lunch on the grass it will rain.

Aries
Alright, Aries! You have Pluto, planet of driving-with-the-top-down, rising in your chart. Pluto is also planet of falling-over-with-your-trousers-down, but you’ll get over that, if your workmates ever let you forget it.

Taurus
Getting bronzed this summer, Taurus! Okay, naked, starving and severely dehydrated, but tanned. You’ll laugh later, if they find you in time. And you won’t go off with another unregistered tour guide in a hurry.

Gemini
Ah, summer – time to get re-acquainted with Mr Whippy, Gemini. This year, make sure you have clear boundaries and a code word. Remember last year? You said ‘Ow! No, no, stop it, Mr Whippy!’ and he kept on whipping.