Aries
There’s a lot going on under the surface for you this Spring. Mostly scabies. Outside your epidermis there is nothing happening at all. You should really get out more.

Taurus
With Saturn, planet of man-boobs, ruling your work chart this Spring, cold nipples could spell danger at work. Warm your own and keep protective goggles handy, that’s all Mystic can say.

Gemini
Spring is a time of fresh starts and new beginnings, Gemini. Keep telling yourself that because none of them will talk to you again. Your lucky place to cry: the office loo.


Cancer
Romance may arrive through the post, probably from Thailand, although your chart looks lucky for Indonesia as well. Mystic doesn’t blame you – you’re probably going to die alone otherwise.

Leo
You may be feeling caught in a rut this Spring. It’s all eat, sleep, get up, eat, scratch yourself, eat, sleep etc. but soon you won’t have to do any of that stuff anymore, which makes a nice change.

Virgo
Basin haircuts are lucky for you this Spring, but basins themselves could be deadly. Just to be safe, steer clear of soup bowls as well. Your lucky teaspoon: there is no spoon.

Libra
With Mars, planet of illusion, coming into your brain-chart this Spring, you need to check that everything around you is real. Run your hands over everything, especially people who are speaking to you. Still there? Okay then, carry on.

Scorpio
Reading is horribly dangerous for you this Spring. Be especially cautious of helpful, pocket-sized publications. Seriously, it’s too horrible. That part where your eyes…urgh! Mystic has made herself feel sick.

Sagittarius
Romantic trouble in your chart, Sagittarius, when Daisy breaks out of her pen. You should have complimented her on how curly her wool was looking. Your lucky pie: lamb and rosemary.

Capricorn
Just stop and think for a minute, Capricorn. You don’t have to open the mysterious door and embark on a magical quest. It’s just not you. Go back to bed, go to work in the morning.

Aquarius
With Jupiter, planet of military invasion, threatening to rule your chart, stay well away from oil of all kinds. Grill your food. Scrub your face. Don’t even think about driving.

Pisces
Lucky Pisces, your wish comes true this Spring! No, not that wish, the one you made when you were very, very angry. You’d better hope they don’t trace it back to you. No one deserves this.