Virgo
Pluto, planet of alligators, moves into your chart, so beware innocent-looking logs. Avoid all standing water, including puddles, baths, toilets and cups of tea.

Libra
Pink is your lucky colour this month, especially roses, hairless mice and the shade found at the edge of a developing bruise, so surround yourself with those things if you can. Your lucky earthworm this month: Gerald.

Scorpio
You’ve always been the sign with a sting in its tail, but this month it’s more like the ring of fire for you, Scorpio. Funny how it hurts the same no matter how much you wipe.

Sagittarius
With Mars, that old red communist giant, rising in your chart, embrace the spirit of sharing this month. Offer your toothbrush round, or throw a good old-fashioned orgy.

Capricorn
Atomic bombs are unlucky for you this month, so avoid those if you can. Romance at work has surprising teeth.

Aquarius
Either wine or whining is lucky for you this month, I’m not sure which. Still, most Aquarians are alcoholic moaners so you should be alright. You’re used to being lonely, aren’t you?

Pisces
Haircuts spell disaster for you this month, so don’t get one yourself and avoid anyone who has one. Also definitely don’t say the word – if you have just read out this horoscope it is too late for you, I’m afraid.

Aries
Looking hot, Aries! You are sizzling this month. Make sure you run that under a cold tap or it’ll scar. Romance this month: still nothing. And those pus-filled blisters aren’t going to help.

Taurus
Tensions in the home reach a high point this month when a family member nearly escapes. My advice? Don’t feed them for a while. Show them what happens when they mess with you.

Gemini
Things are very exciting at the beginning of the month, but then they slow right down. The dying a horrible death is pretty action-packed, but after that it’s just lying around really.

Cancer
This month is all sunshine and puppies for you, Cancer. That probably sounds nice, but that’s before you factor in the rabies, dehydration, and the whole thing where there’s nowhere to run.

Leo
Such a shame. And you had all those plans. Never mind, where you’re going they let you eat jelly with a plastic spoon. That’s the high point of your day from now on.