Scorpio
With Jupiter, planet of swine flu, in your career chart, be cautious at work. Don’t shake hands, or speak to anyone directly facing you.

Sagittarius
Mars, planet of love-talk, is leaving your chart. You may feel frustrated and unable to express how you feel. Have you thought of using the medium of interpretive dance? It’s always sexy.

Capricorn
Stepping on the cracks in the pavement is bad luck for you this month. Bear-attack tips: roll into a ball to protect your innards and hope it gets full up eating your bum off.

Aquarius
This month a stroke of luck by email! One of your long lost relatives wants to put several million pounds into your account. Mystic is jealous.

Pisces
You face a hard decision this month. Mystic already knows which path you will take. But you might as well start thinking now – what are you going to do with the head?

Aries
You should be ashamed of yourself this month. There will be no point apologising – your grandma will never forgive the soon-to-be-infamous ‘flammable penis trick’.

Taurus
With Saturn leaving your chart, it’s time to really deal with your problems and exorcize some old demons. You will need a pint of mouse blood, a beating virgin’s heart and a herd of pigs.

Gemini
A change of career looms – and they will appreciate you properly. You will get a certificate printed from the manager’s home computer for making the most Big Macs in an hour. Well done!

Cancer
You are holding a powerful hand this month! Keep it close to your chest, is Mystic’s advice. It wants to touch your boobs. Your lucky twist: to the left.

Leo
Financial worries are relieved this month when you have a chance meeting with an unconscious stranger. Your lucky career: organ harvester.

Virgo
Romance is covered in flies this month, Virgo. Brush them away and get her back in the freezer. Cold is better than smelly.

Libra
This may start out a difficult month for you, Libra. Things are confusing and may seem dark. It may be time to give up fighting. Once you get settled in they will give you jelly and organize crafts and bingo.