Taurus
Bad things come to those who wait this month, so make sure you are always on the go. If you are forced to wait for something, try running in circles. Wave your arms if you like.

Gemini
Avoid suicide attempts this month – you will botch them, just like you mess up everything else.

Cancer
This month you will be right about everything, all the time. Don’t forget to remind everyone at every opportunity. They will love you for it.

Leo
The pen will be mightier than the sword this month if you use it right. Poke them in the eyes with it, and nick their sword. That’s the way.

Virgo
You may feel that your opinion isn’t being listened to at work. Don’t overreact about it, it’s just because you say such stupid things, and no one respects you.

Libra
Your love life may feel a little dull this month, but actually it’s the best it will be all year because of that terrible infection. But that’s next month’s horoscope. Stay tuned.

Scorpio
Don’t forget who your friends are this month – it’s bad enough that you won’t be able to remember where you live, or feel your hands.

Sagittarius
A bad month: your goats run dry of milk, you contract plague, and your wife shows her ankle to a stranger, the slut. Burn her as a witch, I would.

Capricorn
It’s not the winning or losing that counts, it’s the taking pills. See how many you can take, and then call your loved ones and tell them about it. Oh, they’ll laugh.

Aquarius
Blood is thicker than water, so always stick by your family. But black pudding is thicker than blood so do what your sausages tell you.

Pisces
A slow month. Probably the best thing that happens is when you think you might be rescued, but that’s just a moment’s hope. They never hear you shouting.

Aries
This month, the number twenty-six is lucky – make sure you touch everything twenty-six times, especially doorknobs and light switches. Don’t forget to wash your hands repeatedly.