Taurus
A tricky situation, Taurus! Do you let the others go on ahead, while you hold them off with a sword? You aren’t the best with a sword, but if the others go ahead you can use their bodies as a bridge. You’ll see.

Gemini
Ooh, Gemini, you are dancing round the maypole this month, you filthy beast! You will find out what I mean and you will love it, even if you do get bits in your teeth.

Cancer
Good lord, Cancer, but you can run fast! Not that it will help you much. Mystic advises that you roll into ball and let them get tired out eating your bum fat.


Leo
This month shows its silver lining, Leo. When I say silver, I mean an orange and chunky lining and when I say month I mean your stomach, into the lap of the only person left who still respects you.

Virgo
This month has a surprise ending and I don’t want to spoil it but I will just say that you won’t believe who the killer turns out to be! But then you have to believe it, because of all the killing.

Libra
This month, romance has blue eyes, an amazing body and a laugh as warm as a summer’ day. Not your romance, someone else’s, but you hear them laugh as they get off the bus. It’s probably about you.

Scorpio
With Mars, planet of vengeance, rising in your chart, remember it is better to give than to receive. You can’t make them love you, but by god you can make them sorry.

Sagittarius
Chest hair is especially lucky for you this month, your own and other people’s. Get close to as much of it as you can. Rub your face in it. Sweaty? That’s even luckier, that is.

Capricorn
This month is basically a trance remix of last month; repetitive, endless, makes you feel like you are going mad and it won’t stop, it won’t stop, it won’t stop. Throw your hands in the air, I would.

Aquarius
You’re all over the place this month Aquarius! It’s not really anything for you to worry about though, that’s the police’s job. And they will find your head – that’s the main thing.

Pisces
Your father finally says the words you have always wanted to hear, Pisces! ‘I am proud,’ he says, ‘you aren’t a screw up like someone I could mention.’ He’s talking to your brother, but still, he nearly mentioned you.

Aries
Oh, Aries. You are having a sluggish month aren’t you? They are everywhere! Especially nasty is when you find them in your slippers. Ew. And the one in your mug that you nearly swallow.