Aries
Do’s this month – double denim, washing your genitals, grapes. Don’ts - grape stalks, beanstalks, asking if that wig is a wig. Your lucky test-sample: faecal.

Taurus
Climate change is unlucky for you this month so stay in areas where it’s not happening. Try putting the bedcovers over your head.

Gemini
Strengths this month – knowing what people’s name is just by looking, evasion of security personnel, being able to work as part of a team. Weaknesses – upper arms. You could fly away on those bingo wings.

Cancer
At the start of the month the most important decision you will make is what flavour pasty to have for lunch. By the end of the month you will know: not the cheese and onion.

Leo
This month you finally hear ‘I love you’ from that special someone. They aren’t talking to you, but late at night, while you watch the light go out in their window, you can replay it in your head.

Virgo
High point this month – finally getting well-deserved recognition for all your hard work. Low point – waking up, still in the skip outside your old office. You can hear them laughing in there.

Libra
You may have trouble with chafing this month but it is worth it to look that sexy. And if you can’t get it off, try baby oil. Or mayonnaise. Remember, if your head gets trapped, panic is not your friend.

Scorpio
Ups this month – you find a conker, macaroni cheese for tea and you don’t even have to eat your peas. Downs – your sister gives you a dead leg and you weren’t even doing hardly anything.

Sagittarius
Disaster is extremely unlucky for you this month, so stay well away from that if you can. It could be disastrous. Your lucky bus: 57A. Your lucky seat: next to the twitching man.

Capricorn
A silly old stray dog may follow you home this month. Dumb dog, you will sing, why are you following me? You do a little dance together. Then it eats you.

Aquarius
Jupiter, planet of excess skin, is ruling your chart this month, so it’s time to pay it some attention. Give it a little flick and watch it quiver. Show your friends. Especially lucky: jowls.

Pisces
Do’s this month – green with orange, trying new things, going to casualty to get the new things removed. Don’ts – playing with fire, playing with the boy from up the road, playing anything by Taylor Swift.