Gemini
You are extra fertile this month and everyone can smell it on you. Make the most of it; they won’t gather around your front door like that forever.

Cancer
Saturn entering your chart this month may cause drowsiness – do not attempt to drive, use heavy machinery or walk unaided. Avoid grapefruit.

Leo
Single Leos will find romance this month as Jupiter’s descent brings a surprise change of cellmate. Be brave. Nobody respects a screamer.

Virgo
You may feel you are going in circles for the first half of the month. Try swimming through the plastic archway for a change, or nibble at the miniature castle.

Libra
Time to get your affairs in order. It’s Margaret on Wednesday, Lucille at the hotel on Friday night and you promised to do the little-finger-technique on Camilla on Sunday.

Scorpio
The planets move in mysterious ways this month, and so will your bowels. Uranus is descending, I’m afraid. Get comfortable – this could take a while.

Sagittarius
You may feel tension from your boss this month – then again, you may not notice anything until it’s too late. And it’ll be your best friend that does it. Your lucky footwear: concrete boots.

Capricorn
It feels like a bit of an uphill slog this month, but it’s just the stairs. Let yourself go a bit, haven’t you, Capricorn? And those jeans are giving you a muffin top.

Aquarius
Mars and Mercury are rising in your chart this month; you will need to slap them down. Assert your dominance quick, or they will rip your skin off with their planety teeth.

Pisces
Go with the flow this month, Pisces. You will have to – you will be producing excessive bodily fluids from all orifices. Just act like you meant to do it.

Aries
A bit of a dull month for you, Aries. Although it does look like you will find Jesus. Or the DVD remote. It’s not clear which.

Taurus
Have your cake and eat it. And then have another one. Eat them all. Why not, no one will ever love you again anyway.