Gemini
You remember when Bubbles the goldfish died and your mum flushed him down the loo and you watched his golden body swirl down the drain? This month is like that, but your mum is your boss, and Bubbles is all your hopes for a better life.

Cancer
You will take a long trip with a tall dark stranger. A long, long, trip down a dark tunnel. The stranger’s face is hidden by his hood and he carries a candle, the flame glinting off the blade of his scythe. Anyway, have fun! Byeeee!

Leo
Ah, Leo, you old romantic, you have your eye on someone! You have about the same chance of success as England in the World Cup – we all know you will try your best but it’s bloody unlikely.


Virgo
You know how sometimes you wish you could change the past? This month you can! Just be careful not to end up being your own grandparent, or wiping yourself out of existence entirely. And don’t step on any ants.

Libra
With Neptune, planet of evil plans, leaving your chart, it looks like this time they will get the better of you, Libra. But it doesn’t mean they’ve seen the last of you! Your lucky machine: a kind of birdcage that lowers slowly into a vat of acid.

Scorpio
Don’t worry about it, Scorpio, you don’t need them anyway. You are used to TV in your pants, Frey Bentos pies and the phone that never rings. Stay in though – if you go out they will throw rubbish at you.

Sagittarius
Love is like a cheese this month, Sagittarius. Tempting and melty, but it smells a bit dubious and then there is the incident with the pickles – a good idea, but it ends badly, and is tricky to explain to the doctor.

Capricorn
Your Gran knows best this month Capricorn, she could do Mystic’s job! You really won’t find anyone to settle down with unless you cut your hair, those video games will make your eyes go goggly, and there really isn’t anything nicer than a biscuit.

Aquarius
With Mars, planet of bowel function, ruling your chart, you are going to be ejecting some real little beauties! Fish them out and show people. Make them look – people need to see how splendid these are. You’re an artist, Aquarius.

Pisces
Life is always give and take Pisces, and this month you give and they take. But at least they leave you your grey, stained pants – no one would steal those, though everyone is about to see them. Ooh, you do make Mystic laugh.

Aries
With Pluto, planet of wonky things, ruling your chart this month, nothing is as straight as you usually like it. Your spine and your sexuality especially. And your nose. It’s not supposed to go that way! You will see.

Taurus
Romance is sweaty, with eyes like a fish and too much hair product this month. That’s a fair description of you isn’t it? I can’t describe the other person because it’s just you and your hand again.