Cancer
Tensions at home for you this month, but don’t give in to depression. Just because your Dad says the cellar is soundproof, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try screaming anyway.

Leo
Ups and downs in your professional life this month. For a while you seem to be moving forward, but when you get to the front of the queue the Job Centre, the lady says you should have been in yesterday and stops your benefit.

Virgo
This month the butler did it in the gunroom, with the candlestick. Did what, you ask? Oh Virgo, you will see. Some people pay good money for that kind of service.

Libra
Jupiter comes into your chart, so you may feel blue at the beginning of the month, but within a week your arms and legs will be feeling more yellow by the day.

Scorpio
Mars is descending in your chart this month so be careful – he’s liable to snap when he’s on a comedown. If you had a waist size of 6,792 km you’d crash hard too.

Sagittarius
Leopard skin is totally in this month, for those Sagittarians who are leopards. For human Sagittarians, try human skin. Buffalo Bill may be able to help.

Capricorn
You may find romance this month in a phone box, Capricorn. And yes, that is a genuine photo. Cash only, no time wasters.

Aquarius
Drama at home for you this month, when Peggy discovers Phil’s sneaky plan for the Vic. I know, that’s not you, it’s Eastenders. That’s how boring your month is.

Pisces
Replay last month backwards and you will hear messages from Satan. Cool, huh? Obey them!

Aries
You are the talk of the town this month! But don’t worry, they let you out when they realise the mix-up. Don’t ask how old you will be by then.

Taurus
This month is more about spirituality than material things and sitting outside your old house watching the new, happy family who don’t have to sleep in the park.

Gemini
This month could go two ways, if you have a time machine. Otherwise, just boring old forwards for you, I’m afraid.