Aquarius
The TV is talking to you this month. There are encoded messages in the adverts, especially ones for feminine hygiene products. If you fail to follow these messages the world will end.

Pisces
This month is your lucky month! Nothing can go wrong, no matter what you do. You can run across the motorway, slap a bouncer, kick a bulldog, anything! Try it. You can trust Mystic…

Aries
With Saturn, planet of crochet and shortbread, ruling your chart, embrace your inner granny. Her name is Glenda. Come out, Glenda. Come on out. Your Aries host will take you to feed the ducks.

Taurus
Romance is just around the corner this month. Always just around the corner. I think it’s avoiding you. Maybe it’s your hair. Or your breath.

Gemini
This month is a rocky road for you, which is great if you like marshmallows. Next month is kippers, so enjoy yourself now.

Cancer
This month contains flashing lights and scenes of quite disturbing nudity. Your lucky exclamation: “Heavens to Murgatroid!”

Leo
Smarties have the answer this month. Think of a question, shake the tube, spill them out and look for patterns in the colours. Do not eat them. Things will be very bad if you eat them. Or if two yellow ones are touching.

Virgo
A prank backfires this month. Or possibly a backside is set on fire as a prank. You will work out which it is when it happens. Sorry, it’s just I’m on a train so my crystal ball has dodgy signal.

Libra
Unattended packages will be removed and destroyed this month so attend to yours. It needs doing anyway. At least give it a wash and a trim. No wonder you are lonely.

Scorpio
Recessions are unlucky for you this month so try to stay away from those. You may need to bury yourself in the garden but it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Sagittarius
Your fingers are in danger this month, so try not to use them at all. Your lucky interior decor: bachelor-pad-style leather and chrome.

Capricorn
This month is a bad one for those Capricorns who are dinosaurs when it turns out they are all dead. It’s very sad – everyone liked them.