Leo
Drugs are lucky this month, Leo. So is standing around in the park drinking White Ace. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, just shout ‘I hate you! No one understands me!’ and slam off to your room to write angsty poems.

Virgo
This month you are just as happy working by yourself as being part of a team, Virgo. But you won’t get the job because your flies are open and you have weird ming on your face.

Libra
This month vague, generic clichés are lucky for you, Libra. So be your own inner warrior and fight to dream. And stuff. Your lucky inner warrior: Viking with a battle-axe.


Scorpio
This month romance sees you riding horses on the beach with the wind in your hair. All very nice and Mystic is happy for you, but bestiality is illegal. Still… those horses want it. Look at them – slags.

Sagittarius
Lucky for you this month, Sagittarius: it-bags, bum bags, swag bags, bin bags. Unlucky for you this month: ball bags. And body bags. And reading the word ‘bag’.

Capricorn
Schmapricorn.

Aquarius
Pessimism is lucky for you this month, Aquarius. And by lucky, I mean everything will be awful, probably forever. That’s because God hates you.

Pisces
Quivering is lucky for you this month, Pisces. Also combustibles, mandibles, flannels and the scent of a lightly spiced summer quince. Lovely.

Aries
This month you will chafe when you walk. Your lucky home-made chafing gel: sunflower spread mixed with Vaseline.

Taurus
You will be tempted to make jokes this month, Taurus, but some things are just too close to the bone and if you laugh it will shift and puncture a lung.

Gemini
This month you really embody the spirit of Gemini when you find a tiny, shrivelly-pink conjoined twin, growing from your inner thigh. Look! It drools. Funny little Hubert.

Cancer
This month you will stay in your room until you learn to behave. Mystic is sick of the sight of you, and everyone else is sick of the scent.