Aries
Don’t count your chickens this month – if you don’t know exactly how many you have per square foot, it doesn’t count as animal cruelty.

Taurus
You may be forced to stand up for yourself this month. You can only sit in an armchair for so long before you get bedsores. And you will have to empty the wee-bucket.

Gemini
This month, you will taste like chicken.

Cancer
As Neptune ascends this month in perfect alignment with Pluto, all you need is to be struck by lightning at midnight and you will become the new Lord of Darkness. Lucky thing.

Leo
Love matters look set to become complicated this month when surprise DNA test results have hilarious consequences. He’s your brother! Oh my days. Mystic is laughing anyway.

Virgo
You did a very nice job of living last month, so I am going to trust you to get on with next month while I have a word with the headmaster in the broom cupboard.

Libra
Romantic pressure reaches a head this month. So that will be nice for you. Don’t forget to say thank you afterwards.

Scorpio
Stay focussed this month by making your movements slow. I hate it when my pictures come out blurry. You are too beautiful for that.

Sagittarius
Temptation is everywhere for you this month, so why not be a bit naughty and get those shoes you want. Or slip that rat-poison in your dad’s tea. You know you want to.

Capricorn
Spoil yourself this month. A good way to start might be wrapping yourself in razor wire and having a roll around. That’ll spoil you – and the carpet.

Aquarius
Tesco is very unlucky for you indeed this month. I would stay at least two hundred feet away at all times. That leaves the Sahara, or the bottom of the sea.

Pisces
Relations between you and the man you lives in your cupboard become strained this month. Haven’t met him yet? You will…