Aries
A routine operation this Easter turns into a kinder surprise – turns you into one, I mean. But instead of ridiculously thin chocolate with a toy dragon inside, it’s your innards, with a forgotten latex glove causing you all kinds of Eastery trouble.

Taurus
With Pluto, dwarf planet of eggs, rising in your chart, this Easter will be even more egg-related than usual. Mystic sees egg rolling, egg blowing, strangers egging you in the street and egg donation. And you will smell of eggs.

Gemini
This Easter try making a cheerful Easter bonnet, decorated with paper flowers. Or make a special hat out of a shoebox with a coathanger on, to pick up alien transmissions. Your careworker will help you with the scissors.

Cancer
Hot cross buns may be an Easter tradition, Cancer, but there is no excuse for the ‘hot cross bum’ incident coming up on Tuesday. That’s going to scar – and your poor granny! Are you trying to give her a heart attack?

Leo
This Easter brings you an almost perfect balance of egg hunts and manhunts. The hunter becomes the hunted! Your lucky hiding place: The afterlife. No one can catch you now.

Virgo
Keep an eye on yourself this Easter, Virgo. Your mental state is fragile. Early warning signs could include thinking it’s reasonable to pay nearly six quid for an almost empty cardboard box with sliver of chocolate inside.

Libra
Ah, Easter – Jesus rising from the dead, the season of zombies. Be prepared, Libra. Don’t let them bite you. And remember to completely remove the head. Do it – she’s not your mum anymore.

Scorpio
Easter; time of new starts, baby chicks, and for you, Scorpio, copious amounts of unwanted hair, bursting springily from your follicles. Your lucky wax: Takes some skin off with it. Ouch.

Sagittarius
Easter eggs are brown, Sagittarius. And what have you just laid? An Easter egg! You clever bunny! Fish it out and show it to that special someone you want to impress.

Capricorn
Romance is in the air when a good-looking stranger throws smouldering glances at you in the pub. It is because they think you are someone else. The will realise and you will go home alone as usual.

Aquarius
Rabbits laying eggs? Birds making nests out of cornflakes? Have you been in the mushroom patch again, Aquarius? At least if you have you will have an excuse for that haircut and those frankly strange trousers.

Pisces
Who would win in a fight between a bunny and a duck, you ask, Pisces? An eggs-cellent, Eastery question, and just one of the things you will think about during the long, long nights to come – after you give up screaming to be let out.