Make the most of Valentine’s Day – Saturday 14th February 2009

A foolish, helpless wanting. I can feel the adrenalin pulsing around my body as I run over and over fictitious scenarios in my head of how I should of acted or ways I could have found an excuse to talk to you. My weary heart is flicked and reluctantly pushed along by my eager brain and urges, like a child relentlessly beating a plastic hoop along with a stick down a cracked, tormenting road.

Though my brain still knows it was a flight of fancy, a lusty whim, my heart is willing to betray all, to probe and imply, desperately seeking out a way for you to be mine. It’s a strange helplessness to think that no matter how much I plead with fate, it is almost certain that I will never see you again.
Was there something there in your glance, your smile?
Was there something in mine?
My helplessness is only compounded further by the knowledge that I did nothing to make you notice me - my cowardly reluctance to engage you in even simple conversation, the fear of making myself, even in the slightest, emotionally vulnerable.

Of all the pains my heart and body aches over though, it is the knowledge that in the days or possibly weeks to come when your smile and body slip to the very back of my memory and you are all but forgotten, I will encounter someone like you again and will feel that grim sense of inevitability as I will once again do nothing, be nothing and will only once more feel utterly hopeless and helpless. This is the way to kill a man.