With Christmas approaching, the thorny issue of festive love always arises. Anyone can roughly divide their friends into the ‘I watch Love Actually and feel pathetically envious’ ones and the ‘fuck fucking Christmas, I’ll be broody’ types. From my experience, people will go through recurring cycles of transition between these two admittedly wonderful attitudes in the months leading up to the, now 2009th, birth of the most troublesome baby in history.

Getting Christmas Love Strategies:

Try standing awkwardly under mistletoe at the office party until someone takes pity or until you see someone on the other side of the room doing the same and you realise what a desperate lemon they/you look.

There’s no time to waste so catch prospective partners’ eyes by wearing the wedding-cake-like extravaganza dress – remember there is no limit to red taffeta/cleavage/bows/glitter wearing during Christmas.

Try attracting attention in a busy, festive environment. I highly recommend trying to ooze Christmassy sweetness from your Starbucks gingerbread latte and then spilling it all over the floor dramatically.

If none of the above work, try, in a last, desperate, mulled-wine motivated move to blend in and seduce the portion in society with the lowest standards - the Christmas jumper crowd.

Although this is a disturbingly depression worthy account of many’s romantic pursuits, afterwards is when the good part starts; when you have given up chasing the unchaseable, when you learn to stop worrying and just love Christmas and instinctively go for the mistletoe, extravaganza dresses, gingerbread and Santa jumpers with no ulterior motives but just because they are amazing, that’s when you’ll hit on the Christmas spirit and Christmas love. And well, if it doesn’t, you’re still left with an amazing dress and your friends and the pub and Christmas!

Anna Leon