Libra
It’s easy to live for a month cheaply, so up your game and live this month for free!

Scorpio
If kids can run away from home why can’t you? See how long you last, it’s like an adventure.

Sagittarius
New trends are abound at the moment so try starting your own; here’s some ideas…stockings on arms? Hand shoes?
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Virgo
Pluto, planet of alligators, moves into your chart, so beware innocent-looking logs. Avoid all standing water, including puddles, baths, toilets and cups of tea.

Libra
Pink is your lucky colour this month, especially roses, hairless mice and the shade found at the edge of a developing bruise, so surround yourself with those things if you can. Your lucky earthworm this month: Gerald.

Scorpio
You’ve always been the sign with a sting in its tail, but this month it’s more like the ring of fire for you, Scorpio. Funny how it hurts the same no matter how much you wipe.
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Leo
Problems will arise this month. The answer? Facebook. Only make decisions based on suggestions by randoms that have added you and life will be simpler.

Virgo
Money problems have been on your mind lately. The solution you are looking for is your organs. That’s right, all your problems sorted and only a few organs missing.

Libra
Capes may look cool on superheroes, so they will must look cool on you too, this month wear a different cape every day.
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Taurus
Don’t let doubts continue to hold you back – fish breathe underwater all the time, you can too! Your lucky faux pas: Asking fat women when the baby’s due.

Gemini
With decadent Venus in your chart, it’s time to pamper yourself. Take the radio right into the bath with you. Lovely. Your lucky full-body shock: yes.

Cancer
You will definitely be swallowed by a whale this spring, even if you stay on land. On the upside, single Cancerians may find romance in the lower digestive tract.
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Cancer
Tensions at home for you this month, but don’t give in to depression. Just because your Dad says the cellar is soundproof, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try screaming anyway.

Leo
Ups and downs in your professional life this month. For a while you seem to be moving forward, but when you get to the front of the queue the Job Centre, the lady says you should have been in yesterday and stops your benefit.

Virgo
This month the butler did it in the gunroom, with the candlestick. Did what, you ask? Oh Virgo, you will see. Some people pay good money for that kind of service.
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Gemini
You are extra fertile this month and everyone can smell it on you. Make the most of it; they won’t gather around your front door like that forever.

Cancer
Saturn entering your chart this month may cause drowsiness – do not attempt to drive, use heavy machinery or walk unaided. Avoid grapefruit.

Leo
Single Leos will find romance this month as Jupiter’s descent brings a surprise change of cellmate. Be brave. Nobody respects a screamer.
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Taurus
Bad things come to those who wait this month, so make sure you are always on the go. If you are forced to wait for something, try running in circles. Wave your arms if you like.

Gemini
Avoid suicide attempts this month – you will botch them, just like you mess up everything else.

Cancer
This month you will be right about everything, all the time. Don’t forget to remind everyone at every opportunity. They will love you for it.
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Aries
Don’t count your chickens this month – if you don’t know exactly how many you have per square foot, it doesn’t count as animal cruelty.

Taurus
You may be forced to stand up for yourself this month. You can only sit in an armchair for so long before you get bedsores. And you will have to empty the wee-bucket.

Gemini
This month, you will taste like chicken.
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Pisces
Female Pisceans, you are definitely pregnant this month, so congratulations. Male Pisceans, you will have an alien chew its way out of your stomach, which will still be much nicer than childbirth.

Aries
With Jupiter ruling your chart this month, you will be lucky to survive at all. Mystic’s advice: do everything Jupiter says, and keep your head down. Good luck.

Taurus
Well, aren’t you popular this month! Especially with genital lice, they can’t get enough of you. You could be in for a wild ride – those little guys know how to party.
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Aquarius
Self esteem is unlucky for you and should be avoided until March, so remember that you have never achieved anything real. You’re a useless ape and your dad hates you.

Pisces
Work getting you down?  Hand in your notice and get something better – there are loads of jobs out there! Oh, I do make myself laugh. No, really you are trapped. Sorry.

Aries
The next two months continue cold and wet. Keep treading water, and try peeing on your legs for warmth. Your lucky destination: land.
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