Cancer
Sand gets everywhere doesn’t it? Yes, it’s all very passionate at the time but those microscopic shrimp have to lay their eggs somewhere. Just make sure you get medical insurance first.

Leo
Jupiter is ruling your chart and he says, ‘No festivals for you this summer!’ It’s okay though, your life will be a bit like a festival. You won’t be sleeping, eating or washing enough. And you will be living in a tent. Sweet.

Virgo
Summer of love for you, Virgo! And don’t let people tell you it won’t last or that it’s unnatural and sick. And don’t let them catch you. Alright, it’s legal, but only because it’s too strange for anyone to have made a law about.
Read the rest of this entry »

Leo
Drugs are lucky this month, Leo. So is standing around in the park drinking White Ace. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, just shout ‘I hate you! No one understands me!’ and slam off to your room to write angsty poems.

Virgo
This month you are just as happy working by yourself as being part of a team, Virgo. But you won’t get the job because your flies are open and you have weird ming on your face.

Libra
This month vague, generic clichés are lucky for you, Libra. So be your own inner warrior and fight to dream. And stuff. Your lucky inner warrior: Viking with a battle-axe.
Read the rest of this entry »

Cancer
Reveal new, younger looking skin this month when the sunburn peels off. Then reveal crinkly papery skin when the sun damage kicks in.

Leo
Your mum tells you to take a goody basket to your gran and drops you off in the woods. You don’t have a gran though, do you, Leo? Good luck…

Virgo
A difficult start to the month when your energy runs low. Then the withdrawals kick in and your mum has hidden her purse. Bad times.
Read the rest of this entry »

Gemini
You remember when Bubbles the goldfish died and your mum flushed him down the loo and you watched his golden body swirl down the drain? This month is like that, but your mum is your boss, and Bubbles is all your hopes for a better life.

Cancer
You will take a long trip with a tall dark stranger. A long, long, trip down a dark tunnel. The stranger’s face is hidden by his hood and he carries a candle, the flame glinting off the blade of his scythe. Anyway, have fun! Byeeee!

Leo
Ah, Leo, you old romantic, you have your eye on someone! You have about the same chance of success as England in the World Cup – we all know you will try your best but it’s bloody unlikely.
Read the rest of this entry »

Aries
There’s a lot going on under the surface for you this Spring. Mostly scabies. Outside your epidermis there is nothing happening at all. You should really get out more.

Taurus
With Saturn, planet of man-boobs, ruling your work chart this Spring, cold nipples could spell danger at work. Warm your own and keep protective goggles handy, that’s all Mystic can say.

Gemini
Spring is a time of fresh starts and new beginnings, Gemini. Keep telling yourself that because none of them will talk to you again. Your lucky place to cry: the office loo.
Read the rest of this entry »

Taurus
A tricky situation, Taurus! Do you let the others go on ahead, while you hold them off with a sword? You aren’t the best with a sword, but if the others go ahead you can use their bodies as a bridge. You’ll see.

Gemini
Ooh, Gemini, you are dancing round the maypole this month, you filthy beast! You will find out what I mean and you will love it, even if you do get bits in your teeth.

Cancer
Good lord, Cancer, but you can run fast! Not that it will help you much. Mystic advises that you roll into ball and let them get tired out eating your bum fat.
Read the rest of this entry »

Aries
A routine operation this Easter turns into a kinder surprise – turns you into one, I mean. But instead of ridiculously thin chocolate with a toy dragon inside, it’s your innards, with a forgotten latex glove causing you all kinds of Eastery trouble.

Taurus
With Pluto, dwarf planet of eggs, rising in your chart, this Easter will be even more egg-related than usual. Mystic sees egg rolling, egg blowing, strangers egging you in the street and egg donation. And you will smell of eggs.

Gemini
This Easter try making a cheerful Easter bonnet, decorated with paper flowers. Or make a special hat out of a shoebox with a coathanger on, to pick up alien transmissions. Your careworker will help you with the scissors.
Read the rest of this entry »

Aries
Do’s this month – double denim, washing your genitals, grapes. Don’ts - grape stalks, beanstalks, asking if that wig is a wig. Your lucky test-sample: faecal.

Taurus
Climate change is unlucky for you this month so stay in areas where it’s not happening. Try putting the bedcovers over your head.

Gemini
Strengths this month – knowing what people’s name is just by looking, evasion of security personnel, being able to work as part of a team. Weaknesses – upper arms. You could fly away on those bingo wings.
Read the rest of this entry »

Aquarius
The TV is talking to you this month. There are encoded messages in the adverts, especially ones for feminine hygiene products. If you fail to follow these messages the world will end.

Pisces
This month is your lucky month! Nothing can go wrong, no matter what you do. You can run across the motorway, slap a bouncer, kick a bulldog, anything! Try it. You can trust Mystic…

Aries
With Saturn, planet of crochet and shortbread, ruling your chart, embrace your inner granny. Her name is Glenda. Come out, Glenda. Come on out. Your Aries host will take you to feed the ducks.
Read the rest of this entry »

Scorpio
You’re on fire at work! And then obviously, you are off work for some time. On the plus side, that nurse who changes your bandages is definitely giving you the eye. Something to think about after the last blister pops.

Sagittarius
You’re on fire at work too! Oh, no. I mean you will be fired. It’s because of the “Unspeakable Incident”. Seriously, a lobster? You’re gross.

Capricorn
Things have been slow for you recently, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. If you can reach it, your parents can stop arguing about whether to turn off your life support.
Read the rest of this entry »