Aquarius
The TV is talking to you this month. There are encoded messages in the adverts, especially ones for feminine hygiene products. If you fail to follow these messages the world will end.

Pisces
This month is your lucky month! Nothing can go wrong, no matter what you do. You can run across the motorway, slap a bouncer, kick a bulldog, anything! Try it. You can trust Mystic…

Aries
With Saturn, planet of crochet and shortbread, ruling your chart, embrace your inner granny. Her name is Glenda. Come out, Glenda. Come on out. Your Aries host will take you to feed the ducks.
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Scorpio
You’re on fire at work! And then obviously, you are off work for some time. On the plus side, that nurse who changes your bandages is definitely giving you the eye. Something to think about after the last blister pops.

Sagittarius
You’re on fire at work too! Oh, no. I mean you will be fired. It’s because of the “Unspeakable Incident”. Seriously, a lobster? You’re gross.

Capricorn
Things have been slow for you recently, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. If you can reach it, your parents can stop arguing about whether to turn off your life support.
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Sagittarius
A tragedy this year when your snowman melts on Christmas day. You should never have left him outside by himself. Mystic has called Social Services.

Capricorn
A white Christmas for you this year, Capricorn. A white light at the end of a tunnel, and all kinds of Christmassy angels to carry you home. Lucky.

Aquarius
Romance has brown hair and shiny shoes at the office Christmas party for you this year! Unfortunately that’s all you remember about them – till the Facebook photos go up…
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Scorpio
With Jupiter, planet of swine flu, in your career chart, be cautious at work. Don’t shake hands, or speak to anyone directly facing you.

Sagittarius
Mars, planet of love-talk, is leaving your chart. You may feel frustrated and unable to express how you feel. Have you thought of using the medium of interpretive dance? It’s always sexy.

Capricorn
Stepping on the cracks in the pavement is bad luck for you this month. Bear-attack tips: roll into a ball to protect your innards and hope it gets full up eating your bum off.
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Libra
It’s easy to live for a month cheaply, so up your game and live this month for free!

Scorpio
If kids can run away from home why can’t you? See how long you last, it’s like an adventure.

Sagittarius
New trends are abound at the moment so try starting your own; here’s some ideas…stockings on arms? Hand shoes?
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Virgo
Pluto, planet of alligators, moves into your chart, so beware innocent-looking logs. Avoid all standing water, including puddles, baths, toilets and cups of tea.

Libra
Pink is your lucky colour this month, especially roses, hairless mice and the shade found at the edge of a developing bruise, so surround yourself with those things if you can. Your lucky earthworm this month: Gerald.

Scorpio
You’ve always been the sign with a sting in its tail, but this month it’s more like the ring of fire for you, Scorpio. Funny how it hurts the same no matter how much you wipe.
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Leo
Problems will arise this month. The answer? Facebook. Only make decisions based on suggestions by randoms that have added you and life will be simpler.

Virgo
Money problems have been on your mind lately. The solution you are looking for is your organs. That’s right, all your problems sorted and only a few organs missing.

Libra
Capes may look cool on superheroes, so they will must look cool on you too, this month wear a different cape every day.
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Taurus
Don’t let doubts continue to hold you back – fish breathe underwater all the time, you can too! Your lucky faux pas: Asking fat women when the baby’s due.

Gemini
With decadent Venus in your chart, it’s time to pamper yourself. Take the radio right into the bath with you. Lovely. Your lucky full-body shock: yes.

Cancer
You will definitely be swallowed by a whale this spring, even if you stay on land. On the upside, single Cancerians may find romance in the lower digestive tract.
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Cancer
Tensions at home for you this month, but don’t give in to depression. Just because your Dad says the cellar is soundproof, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try screaming anyway.

Leo
Ups and downs in your professional life this month. For a while you seem to be moving forward, but when you get to the front of the queue the Job Centre, the lady says you should have been in yesterday and stops your benefit.

Virgo
This month the butler did it in the gunroom, with the candlestick. Did what, you ask? Oh Virgo, you will see. Some people pay good money for that kind of service.
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Gemini
You are extra fertile this month and everyone can smell it on you. Make the most of it; they won’t gather around your front door like that forever.

Cancer
Saturn entering your chart this month may cause drowsiness – do not attempt to drive, use heavy machinery or walk unaided. Avoid grapefruit.

Leo
Single Leos will find romance this month as Jupiter’s descent brings a surprise change of cellmate. Be brave. Nobody respects a screamer.
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