Aries
You know the saying ‘going at it like rabbits?’ Mystic doesn’t want to scare you, but the Easter bunny knows where you live, and he has plans for you. Sexy, rampant, melted-chocolate plans.

Taurus
Beware of Easter eggs this month, Taurus. They are incubating horrible things that hatch and climb up your inner thigh with tiny claws. Stay away!

Gemini
Spring is the time of little lambs. Like what Mary had. She had something else as well, didn’t she? And now you are itchy and your parts smell worrying.
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Sagittarius
Your lucky resolution this New Year – drop it like it’s hot. Yeah, work it! Woooooork it! Damn, you make Mystic crazy! You want a ride on my broomstick?

Capricorn
Your lucky resolution this New Year – tell your loved ones how special they are. In your head, obv. None of them want to talk to you, and Mystic doesn’t blame them.

Aquarius
Your lucky resolution this New Year – keep fit. You can still wiggle your feet about, and even though no one will hear you, try banging on the inside of the lid again, just for the exercise.
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Capricorn
You have a Secret Santa, you lucky Capricorn! Every morning you find a sticky brown gift outside the front door. Don’t tread in it. And don’t leave the door unlocked or you will get gifts in the house.

Aquarius
The whole family will gather round this year. Lucky, because if no one found you out there asleep in the garden in your mum’s pants, you would have frozen to death.

Pisces
The Ghost of Christmas Past comes to visit just to remind you of the time you thought you were going to get a Scalectric and then you didn’t and your sister beat you up. Ghosts are mean like that.
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Libra
Romance for you, Libra, with an attractive physique and a good sense of humour. That’s what it says online. Later, romance has a cage of gerbils and surprising strong hands.

Scorpio
You’ll have your cake and eat it this Autumn, Scorpio! Enjoy it, it’s all you get for ages. You’ll be able to play your ribs like a xylophone.

Sagittarius
The sweat of hardcore German techno ravers is lucky for you this Autumn, Sagittarius, so lick as much of that as you can. Mmmm, salty. And slightly hallucinogenic.
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Scorpio
Ooh, Scorpio you saucy bugger! Mystic supposes a saucy bugger is fine if you are into that sort of thing. Your lucky lubricant: Ketchup. Not mustard! Be warned.

Sagittarius
Romance is waiting for you! Unfortunately it won’t get parole this year. Keep yourself busy by practising your screaming-running for later. Your lucky cat: in a bin.

Capricorn
Body fluids are lucky for you this month but only when displaced. Try wiping snot in your ears, or spitting on your special place. Your lucky jigsaw: just sky. You can do it.
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Libra
Mystic is sorry to announce that this month has been delayed by approximately two weeks. And the toilets have been vandalised, the Upper Crust is closed and a strange man in a dirty coat is going to come and stare at you.

Scorpio
Romance has a terrifying scent this month, Scorpio. And makes a noise like ‘Graaaark-ark-ark!’ But it won’t leave so you might as well get used to it. And at least it actually likes you.

Sagittarius
Love the skin you’re in this month, Sagittarius. It’s the last you will see of it for a while, and when the bandages come off it will look very different.
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Virgo
You’re a bit like an astronaut this month Virgo. It’s all floating about for ages doing nothing, and when you finally reach your goal it’s still just a pointless dead space. Oh, and you have to wee in a tube, probably.

Libra
This month is like a game of Twister, Libra. Put your right hand on the red spot and your left hand on the yellow spot. Don’t know what to do about all the other spots. You are a greasy little blighter, aren’t you?

Scorpio
You’re a bit like Jesus this month, Scorpio. Or at any rate you are talking rubbish and you need a haircut. Your lucky miracle: Ice Magic. Mmmmm, crunchy.
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Cancer
Sand gets everywhere doesn’t it? Yes, it’s all very passionate at the time but those microscopic shrimp have to lay their eggs somewhere. Just make sure you get medical insurance first.

Leo
Jupiter is ruling your chart and he says, ‘No festivals for you this summer!’ It’s okay though, your life will be a bit like a festival. You won’t be sleeping, eating or washing enough. And you will be living in a tent. Sweet.

Virgo
Summer of love for you, Virgo! And don’t let people tell you it won’t last or that it’s unnatural and sick. And don’t let them catch you. Alright, it’s legal, but only because it’s too strange for anyone to have made a law about.
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Leo
Drugs are lucky this month, Leo. So is standing around in the park drinking White Ace. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, just shout ‘I hate you! No one understands me!’ and slam off to your room to write angsty poems.

Virgo
This month you are just as happy working by yourself as being part of a team, Virgo. But you won’t get the job because your flies are open and you have weird ming on your face.

Libra
This month vague, generic clichés are lucky for you, Libra. So be your own inner warrior and fight to dream. And stuff. Your lucky inner warrior: Viking with a battle-axe.
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Cancer
Reveal new, younger looking skin this month when the sunburn peels off. Then reveal crinkly papery skin when the sun damage kicks in.

Leo
Your mum tells you to take a goody basket to your gran and drops you off in the woods. You don’t have a gran though, do you, Leo? Good luck…

Virgo
A difficult start to the month when your energy runs low. Then the withdrawals kick in and your mum has hidden her purse. Bad times.
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