1. I’m moving house this month, any advice to make the process less painful?
From what I can remember, moving houses can be quite painful. The last time I carried 10 of them I really hurt my back. That reminds me. I must book that long overdue chiropractor appointment…

2. I’m studying at UWE and about to go back for my third year but I’m not enjoying the course. What should I do? Change?
That’s it you quitter. I’m advising you to change course and go back to the 1st year. This will mean that you will spend more time at uni and get yourself more in to debt. You’ll probably graduate with a 3rd, not be able to get a job, be unemployed for the rest of your life and end up on the streets. This sort of advice is hard to come by and I’m giving you this one for free!
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1. Hello! I’m new to Bristol - who and what do I need to know?
Go to Knowle West, Lockleaze or Southmead. They are probably the poshest parts of Bristol. If you fancy going out, then Oceana is the best club by miles and for food, there is nowhere better than the Weatherspoons in Bedminster. They microwave their food like nowhere else!

2. Have you seen the Banksy show yet Harper? I think it’s wicked!
No I haven’t! Unfortunately tourists like you have been taking up the queue space meaning that I can’t even get a look-in during my lunch break. I bet you’re the person who threw paint over the Banksy art at the bottom of Park St.
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1. It’s my missus’ birthday soon, what the hell am I suppose to get her? I’m skint!
How about a 1 hour private session with your favourite agony aunt? I’ll offer a special discount rate of £20 per hour and seeing as your a 1st timer, I’ll even throw in a complementary bottle of Lambrini and box of Quality Street for her to take away a souvenir.

2. I’ve just lost my job, but needed a change anyway. Is it lucrative being an Agony Aunt?
I’m sorry mate, there be only room for one Agony Aunt in the town of Bristol; however I’ve heard Swindon are looking for a new one. Surprising how much free stuff you get when you are an agony aunt. Girls throw themselves at me in the street, which comes in handy as you can probably imagine. I take full advantage of the opportunity by stealing their wallet and phone as they grope me.
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1. No matter what I try I can’t get a decent tan!! How can I compete in the park and on the beach?
Mate, I’m a ginger and I never tan. However, I am the best looking ginger in Bristol and I get loads of fanny. No-one can ever compete with me and my good looks when down at the beach.

2. Harper! What’s better - Summer or Winter? Hot or cold?
If you can show me a place in winter where the sun always shines, women look great and the beer always tastes amazing then I’ll switch to winter. For the time being, I’m sticking with summer, thank you very much!
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1. My flatmate is becoming a real pain in the arse. How do I get her to move out without it getting awkward?
Why are you worried about the awkward part? Step up and tell the bitch to move out. Personally, I’d just piss on her mattress. The smell of stale wee will surely be enough in tempting her to move out.

2. I think I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend. What to do, what to do!
You need to sort it out mate. She told me that she was looking for a real man and is well satisfied now she’s seeing her favourite Agony Aunt. I don’t think she’ll be taking you back anytime soon. I love your girlfriend. She’s the best shag I’ve ever had!
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1. I need to dump my boyfriend but I don’t know how to tell him! Any advice?
Let yourself go, stop washing, end every sentence with the word ‘like’ and start shopping in Farm Foods and to finish it off you can threaten to chop his cock off next time he tries to get in bed with you. I’m sure he’ll be happy to dump you after all that and then your problems will be sorted.

2. I can’t afford to go on holiday this summer, what should I do instead?
Unlucky you pikey fucker. I’m going to Budapest with my mates for 2 weeks. Suppose I could tell you to check out the thrills of Brean Leisure Park or the donkeys at Weston. However, my mate Ashley recommends ties and lube to waste those summer days away.
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1. I really wanna get one over on my mate, any tips for something to do to him for April Fools’ Day?
Why wait to April Fools day? If you want to get one over on your mate then I wouldn’t waste time in asking a sadistic person like me. If he has a girlfriend then try to get hold of his mobile phone when he’s left it unattended and secretly replace her number with yours. At some unsuspecting moment later that day, send him a text telling him that his girlfriend has thrush….he’ll bloody love it!
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1. I’m fed up after spending Valentine’s Day alone - where can I find a man? Any man!!!
It’s a bit late love, hasn’t Valentine’s Day already passed? I know a guy who stays in every night with a box of tissues and a copy of Nuts who’d love to go out with you next year.

2. Hello Auntie Harper. I’m trying to loose some weight but whatever I try just doesn’t work! Any tips?
Oi fatty, you fat freak! Stop eating pies! Isn’t that all the motivation you need? Just come to me for any more inspiring motivational tips. Who the fuck is Deirdre anyway?

3. My girlfriend wants us to get a cat but I hate the bleeders! What am I going to do?
Bleeders? I ain’t no cockney jockey! I love cats…Can I shag your girlfriend?

1. I don’t know what I want for Christmas! What should I ask for to get maximum rewards?
Like collecting reward points to spend at your local supermarket? Surely Christmas is much more fun than shopping at Asda!

2. When am I too old to get my stocking hung at the end of my bed?
At the point at which the end of the sock starts hitting the floor, then you know that you are too big for this. Apparently Santa has quite small arms, so if he can’t reach the bottom then he won’t give you anything. Anyway, I never got anything when I was a kid. Maybe that was because I left my soiled pants at the end of the bed instead.
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1. I am freaking out about the recession. Is it going to affect everyone? What can I do to help myself and save cash?
Head to Farm Foods; quality brands, cheaper prices. As far as knowing who will be affected, I haven’t got a Scoobie Doo. However, as the impact of the recession increases, I’m sure I will see more poor-ass bums hanging round the streets of Bedminster for me to make fun of. Today, on East Street, some asshole threw a can of Tenant’s Super at me on my way home from work. Luckily it missed!
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