SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Where’s the best place to watch the World Cup footy games in Bristol?
Head down your local with the chavs, stare longingly into an empty pint glass, have a fight during half-time. After the match eat a kebab with bloody hands and go home with a stiffy only to find that the Mrs won’t shag because your breath stinks. Easy!

2. Harper, can you help me settle a dispute? Is it OK for girl’s to have boy’s names like Jo, Sam, Robyn and Peta?
Girls and boys often share similar names. A name like that can come in handy when you have small genitals like yours. Tuck it up for Samantha or leave it hanging for Samuel. I know you’ve always fancied a career as a lady boy, so now is your chance.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Is it better to be single or in a relationship during the summer?
Unfortunately, being a singleton myself at the moment I can only speak from example. I’m sure you will now be throwing yourself at me as soon as you read this. I’ll meet you for a quickie in the bushes in Victoria Park this Thursday if you are up for it!

2. What food is good to muck around in the bedroom with?
Didn’t your mother always tell you not to play with your food? However, she told me she’s quite impartial to a marrow or 2 on Sunday nights.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Someone told me the brain the most erotic muscle? Is it really?!
My head really hurts after a long night out on the lash but as far as it being erotic, I haven’t got a bloody clue. However, your girlfriend told me the other day that her head really hurts at the thought of ever having to share the same bed with you again.

2. When do you know you’re too old to go Easter Egg Hunting?
When the mothers of the children you are hunting with are actually the same women you are sleeping with. I think then is a good time to give up the hunt.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. I need a fancy dress idea for my birthday party this month, and ideas Harper?
Some people expect me to come up with all the answers. I don’t know you, I don’t want to get to know you and frankly, I don’t really give a fuck about what you wear to your fancy dress party. You haven’t got any friends and you certainly aren’t going to find any at places like that!

2. How do I find out if this girl I like has a boyfriend? And don’t say just ask her cos that’s not gonna happen!
I can tell you mate, she hasn’t got a boyfriend. I know that because I’m banging her at the moment and I know she wouldn’t be interested in an inbred like you anyway.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. How important is personal hygiene Harper?
My mother told me to always wash my hands before every meal, to brush my teeth twice a day and to make sure I wash behind my ears and in those hard to reach places if I wanted any chance of pulling birds. However, your mother is quite different. All I need to tell her is that her fanny smells great today and then I’m well in there.

2. How can I spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend?
Things must be pretty shit if you feel that you have to ask a complete stranger and also humiliate yourself to the audience of SY. Well, I can tell you one thing I know: You better shape up your act mate, because your girlfriend is a real animal in the bedroom and she told me she’d leave you if you didn’t step things up a peg or two. In fact, she told me that this morning when we curled up in bed together watching repeats of Supermarket Sweep.
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He answers your questions…

1. Valentines Day is coming up mate, where should I take my girlfriend? It is better to go over the top seduce or just play it cool?
Firstly, I’d like to point out that you are not my mate! However, in your attempt to suck up to me I will give you some tips on where to take your girlfriend. Why don’t you go to London and take her up the Oxo Tower? It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and is a bit of a strain on the old back pocket, but once you relax and have a few drinks, I’m sure you can slip right in to the occasion. You must try their cream pie dessert; it’s all the rage apparently.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. What are your New Year’s resolutions Harper? I need some inspiration!
I’ve considered giving up being an agony aunt for 2010. I’m getting tired of girls throwing themselves at me in the streets, getting free money, clothes and food and VIP entry into clubs and pubs. Life is hard sometimes, don’t you think? The editor begged me to stay, and to be honest, the urge to stay and help losers like you was too strong. It’s the power invested in me to provide you with a kick up the arse worth of motivational advice. The unfortunate people of Bristol need my harsh words in their lives too badly and because of this, I’ve decided to continue gracing the rear pages of SY for another year. Sorry Alan Titchmarsh, your gardening column will have to wait little longer.
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1. What the hell do I get my parents for Christmas?
When I saw your mum last she was looking really hot. I’m in to milf, but your mum is something else. Get them a little gofer for the bedroom. I think your mum is into double pen and I know a guy who can come round on Christmas Eve for a good price.

2. Where shall I go for New Year’s Eve - not just the normal?
You can spend the evening with me if you like. I’m going to Swindon with my mate Simon for a few beers and then we’re planning on stealing a tractor and heading off to Ipswich. It’s the annual Badger Bating Festival this year. Yes, it’s true! Auntie Harper is random as fuck!
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He answers your questions…

1. What’s good to do on Bonfire Night?
In the UK we celebrate the fact that a muppet named Guy Fawkes failed to blow up Parliament. We do this by putting fireworks up cats asses, destroying post boxes with bangers, setting fire to houses and then throwing bricks at the fireman who come to clear up our mess. Well, that’s not for me! I’m spending the night comforting the dog and preventing him from shitting himself all over the living room rug.
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He answers your questions…

1. My girlfriend’s getting pissed off cos I don’t last very long in the
sack! Got any advice?
Well, if you can’t resist some ungloved love, just stick it up her ass and do her dry. It’s a completely different sensation and I have no doubt that you’ll last for hours. If that doesn’t work then I’m more than happy to come round and sort your girlfriend out. ATM is my specialty!
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