Auntie Harper
SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Where’s the best place to spot summer babes in Bristol on a hot summer’s day?
In Bedminster, walking with a limp and begging for more as they come out of my flat.

2. My girlfriend wants to have phone-sex but I’m not sure how to…?
Step 1: Girlfriend lies down on bed with mobile phone, plastic bag and a big pot of lube. Step 2: Girlfriend inserts phone in bag and covers bag in lube. Step 3: Girlfriend inserts baggy phone thing in vag. Step 4: Boy phones girlfriend, girlfriend smiles and makes mess on bed. Step 5: Girlfriend dumps boyfriend for a 2nd phone.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Harper, is the Bristol Balloon Fiesta worth going to? What’s the big deal?
Fat people, hot air and plenty of old grannies to oggle at. Sounds like your idea of a good time!

2. Should I ask my boss out? I really like him but won’t it make things complicated?
I feel inclined to come round to your work place and give you a good kicking! Has anyone ever told you that you shouldn’t shit on your own door step. Trust me you fuck-tard, it just ain’t worth the hassle!
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Will England ever win the World Cup?
I decided to give it a good few days to answer this question following England’s disappointing defeat to Germany. I’ve never seen so many unfortunate looking men crying on the streets of Bristol. I’m a miserable fucker, as many of you have probably notice and to be honest, I don’t really care. I’m sick of football and I can’t wait for the World Cup to be over!

2. Hello Auntie Harper, any tips for keeping cool this summer?
I’m the coolest mother fucker in Bristol. Stand close to me and I promise to keep you feeling cool. Don’t stand too close though or you may get a whiff of the lingering scent of your sister’s fanny from within my underwear.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Where’s the best place to watch the World Cup footy games in Bristol?
Head down your local with the chavs, stare longingly into an empty pint glass, have a fight during half-time. After the match eat a kebab with bloody hands and go home with a stiffy only to find that the Mrs won’t shag because your breath stinks. Easy!

2. Harper, can you help me settle a dispute? Is it OK for girl’s to have boy’s names like Jo, Sam, Robyn and Peta?
Girls and boys often share similar names. A name like that can come in handy when you have small genitals like yours. Tuck it up for Samantha or leave it hanging for Samuel. I know you’ve always fancied a career as a lady boy, so now is your chance.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Is it better to be single or in a relationship during the summer?
Unfortunately, being a singleton myself at the moment I can only speak from example. I’m sure you will now be throwing yourself at me as soon as you read this. I’ll meet you for a quickie in the bushes in Victoria Park this Thursday if you are up for it!

2. What food is good to muck around in the bedroom with?
Didn’t your mother always tell you not to play with your food? However, she told me she’s quite impartial to a marrow or 2 on Sunday nights.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Someone told me the brain the most erotic muscle? Is it really?!
My head really hurts after a long night out on the lash but as far as it being erotic, I haven’t got a bloody clue. However, your girlfriend told me the other day that her head really hurts at the thought of ever having to share the same bed with you again.

2. When do you know you’re too old to go Easter Egg Hunting?
When the mothers of the children you are hunting with are actually the same women you are sleeping with. I think then is a good time to give up the hunt.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. I need a fancy dress idea for my birthday party this month, and ideas Harper?
Some people expect me to come up with all the answers. I don’t know you, I don’t want to get to know you and frankly, I don’t really give a fuck about what you wear to your fancy dress party. You haven’t got any friends and you certainly aren’t going to find any at places like that!

2. How do I find out if this girl I like has a boyfriend? And don’t say just ask her cos that’s not gonna happen!
I can tell you mate, she hasn’t got a boyfriend. I know that because I’m banging her at the moment and I know she wouldn’t be interested in an inbred like you anyway.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. How important is personal hygiene Harper?
My mother told me to always wash my hands before every meal, to brush my teeth twice a day and to make sure I wash behind my ears and in those hard to reach places if I wanted any chance of pulling birds. However, your mother is quite different. All I need to tell her is that her fanny smells great today and then I’m well in there.

2. How can I spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend?
Things must be pretty shit if you feel that you have to ask a complete stranger and also humiliate yourself to the audience of SY. Well, I can tell you one thing I know: You better shape up your act mate, because your girlfriend is a real animal in the bedroom and she told me she’d leave you if you didn’t step things up a peg or two. In fact, she told me that this morning when we curled up in bed together watching repeats of Supermarket Sweep.
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He answers your questions…

1. Valentines Day is coming up mate, where should I take my girlfriend? It is better to go over the top seduce or just play it cool?
Firstly, I’d like to point out that you are not my mate! However, in your attempt to suck up to me I will give you some tips on where to take your girlfriend. Why don’t you go to London and take her up the Oxo Tower? It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and is a bit of a strain on the old back pocket, but once you relax and have a few drinks, I’m sure you can slip right in to the occasion. You must try their cream pie dessert; it’s all the rage apparently.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. What are your New Year’s resolutions Harper? I need some inspiration!
I’ve considered giving up being an agony aunt for 2010. I’m getting tired of girls throwing themselves at me in the streets, getting free money, clothes and food and VIP entry into clubs and pubs. Life is hard sometimes, don’t you think? The editor begged me to stay, and to be honest, the urge to stay and help losers like you was too strong. It’s the power invested in me to provide you with a kick up the arse worth of motivational advice. The unfortunate people of Bristol need my harsh words in their lives too badly and because of this, I’ve decided to continue gracing the rear pages of SY for another year. Sorry Alan Titchmarsh, your gardening column will have to wait little longer.
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