1. My flatmate is becoming a real pain in the arse. How do I get her to move out without it getting awkward?
Why are you worried about the awkward part? Step up and tell the bitch to move out. Personally, I’d just piss on her mattress. The smell of stale wee will surely be enough in tempting her to move out.

2. I think I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend. What to do, what to do!
You need to sort it out mate. She told me that she was looking for a real man and is well satisfied now she’s seeing her favourite Agony Aunt. I don’t think she’ll be taking you back anytime soon. I love your girlfriend. She’s the best shag I’ve ever had!
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1. I need to dump my boyfriend but I don’t know how to tell him! Any advice?
Let yourself go, stop washing, end every sentence with the word ‘like’ and start shopping in Farm Foods and to finish it off you can threaten to chop his cock off next time he tries to get in bed with you. I’m sure he’ll be happy to dump you after all that and then your problems will be sorted.

2. I can’t afford to go on holiday this summer, what should I do instead?
Unlucky you pikey fucker. I’m going to Budapest with my mates for 2 weeks. Suppose I could tell you to check out the thrills of Brean Leisure Park or the donkeys at Weston. However, my mate Ashley recommends ties and lube to waste those summer days away.
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1. I really wanna get one over on my mate, any tips for something to do to him for April Fools’ Day?
Why wait to April Fools day? If you want to get one over on your mate then I wouldn’t waste time in asking a sadistic person like me. If he has a girlfriend then try to get hold of his mobile phone when he’s left it unattended and secretly replace her number with yours. At some unsuspecting moment later that day, send him a text telling him that his girlfriend has thrush….he’ll bloody love it!
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1. I’m fed up after spending Valentine’s Day alone - where can I find a man? Any man!!!
It’s a bit late love, hasn’t Valentine’s Day already passed? I know a guy who stays in every night with a box of tissues and a copy of Nuts who’d love to go out with you next year.

2. Hello Auntie Harper. I’m trying to loose some weight but whatever I try just doesn’t work! Any tips?
Oi fatty, you fat freak! Stop eating pies! Isn’t that all the motivation you need? Just come to me for any more inspiring motivational tips. Who the fuck is Deirdre anyway?

3. My girlfriend wants us to get a cat but I hate the bleeders! What am I going to do?
Bleeders? I ain’t no cockney jockey! I love cats…Can I shag your girlfriend?

1. I don’t know what I want for Christmas! What should I ask for to get maximum rewards?
Like collecting reward points to spend at your local supermarket? Surely Christmas is much more fun than shopping at Asda!

2. When am I too old to get my stocking hung at the end of my bed?
At the point at which the end of the sock starts hitting the floor, then you know that you are too big for this. Apparently Santa has quite small arms, so if he can’t reach the bottom then he won’t give you anything. Anyway, I never got anything when I was a kid. Maybe that was because I left my soiled pants at the end of the bed instead.
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1. I am freaking out about the recession. Is it going to affect everyone? What can I do to help myself and save cash?
Head to Farm Foods; quality brands, cheaper prices. As far as knowing who will be affected, I haven’t got a Scoobie Doo. However, as the impact of the recession increases, I’m sure I will see more poor-ass bums hanging round the streets of Bedminster for me to make fun of. Today, on East Street, some asshole threw a can of Tenant’s Super at me on my way home from work. Luckily it missed!
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1. I can never think of anything to do in Bristol with the bird when it’s raining. You know Bristol. Please help!

You sound like someone with very little imagination. Bored of the cinema I assume? Moaning I guess, because it’s costing you an arm and leg for the tickets plus a kidney on the popcorn? Huh! Stop being such a tight fisted twat and spoil the young lady.
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1. Why is that girl you fancy always fancy your mate, and the ones who fancy me I never fancy? I am not a pig after all?
It sounds like you are aiming too high. Look in a mirror and give yourself a rating out of 10. Now aim 2 places lower in all of your conquests.
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