SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. All my mate’s are booking holidays but I can’t afford one! Any advice?
That’s a bit of shame. I’d take full advantage of a situation like this if I were you. When they’re away, break in to their house, drink their beer, eat their food and if you’re lucky you may even get a chance to shag the missus as well.

2. How do I get my missus to be a bit more adventurous in the sack?
Tell her you’ll take her washing and ironing duties away from her. They pretend to hate it, but they know that’s all their good for….and maybe the odd blowjob every now and then.
Read the rest of this entry »

SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Where will the best birds be on New Year’s Eve?
I think I get asked this question every year! I expect you’re the same guy who wrote in last year. Just spend the evening in front of the TV having a crank instead of out chasing women (that’s crying and wanking at the same time for those who aren’t up on the lingo).

2. Harper, what do you want for Christmas?
Your sister’s phone number. That would be fucking sweet!
Read the rest of this entry »

SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1 - How old do you have to be before it’s uncool to still get Christmas stockings from your parents?
It’s never too old to get Christmas stockings from your parents. When you’re dying for a wank at the end of Christmas Day, there is nothing better than spuffing your load and using your stockings to mop up the mess.

2 - How do I make my housemate do her share of the housework? It’s a nightmare!
Have a meeting with her and draw up a rota. Hopefully she’ll be overly impressed with your organisational skills and offer to suck you off.
Read the rest of this entry »

SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1 - Christmas is on the way and I hate the whole thing. Is there anyway to avoid it altogether?
Become a Jehova’s Witness. I don’t think they celebrate Christmas do they? Spend the day reading the Watchtower and eating pringles while the rest of us enjoy ourselves!

2 - I’ve been texting this girl but she doesn’t seem to be all that keen. How do I get her to go on a date with me?
Aaaah gutted you ugly bastard! She clearly isn’t intererested so get the fucking message and stop being suck a stalker!
Read the rest of this entry »

SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. I saw my boyfriend on a date with another girl - what should I do?
Do nothing! You’ve got no chance of getting him back anyway. He’s obviously going out with someone he considers to be better now. If you want me to set you up with a new boyfriend then my mate Barry will take you. He told me he’s always wanted to go out with a Susan Boyle lookalike.

2. I can’t find a job in Bristol for love nor money - help me Harper!
I couldn’t give a shit if you get a job or not. All I care about is that £40 quid you owe me. You’ve got 24 hours to get the money to me or I’m getting the boys round.
Read the rest of this entry »

SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. My boyfriend’s just gone off to uni. Any advice on doing long distance relationships?
Fuck the long distance relationship and just sleep around. Isn’t that what everyone does at uni anyway?

2. How do I know if I play too many computer games?
When you stop showering, find it painful to go out in sunlight and wanking becomes too hard because your thumbs are so sore.
Read the rest of this entry »

SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. What’s the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?!
In the snow on the top of the mountain was pretty crazy. I’ll tell you one thing though, my friend, I thought about your Mum the whole time.

2. I want to get a pet Harper, what animal do you reckon is best?
I’ll let you off this month. Not sure there’s anything too offensive I can say about that. I reckon you should get a cat, as they are the best. However, go careful if you live near a busy road. The other week I had to help a very distraught lady by helping her scrape her pancaked cat off the side of the road and lift it in to the boot of her car. That definitely wasn’t the highlight of my week.
Read the rest of this entry »

Auntie Harper
SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Where’s the best place to spot summer babes in Bristol on a hot summer’s day?
In Bedminster, walking with a limp and begging for more as they come out of my flat.

2. My girlfriend wants to have phone-sex but I’m not sure how to…?
Step 1: Girlfriend lies down on bed with mobile phone, plastic bag and a big pot of lube. Step 2: Girlfriend inserts phone in bag and covers bag in lube. Step 3: Girlfriend inserts baggy phone thing in vag. Step 4: Boy phones girlfriend, girlfriend smiles and makes mess on bed. Step 5: Girlfriend dumps boyfriend for a 2nd phone.
Read the rest of this entry »

SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Harper, is the Bristol Balloon Fiesta worth going to? What’s the big deal?
Fat people, hot air and plenty of old grannies to oggle at. Sounds like your idea of a good time!

2. Should I ask my boss out? I really like him but won’t it make things complicated?
I feel inclined to come round to your work place and give you a good kicking! Has anyone ever told you that you shouldn’t shit on your own door step. Trust me you fuck-tard, it just ain’t worth the hassle!
Read the rest of this entry »

SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. Will England ever win the World Cup?
I decided to give it a good few days to answer this question following England’s disappointing defeat to Germany. I’ve never seen so many unfortunate looking men crying on the streets of Bristol. I’m a miserable fucker, as many of you have probably notice and to be honest, I don’t really care. I’m sick of football and I can’t wait for the World Cup to be over!

2. Hello Auntie Harper, any tips for keeping cool this summer?
I’m the coolest mother fucker in Bristol. Stand close to me and I promise to keep you feeling cool. Don’t stand too close though or you may get a whiff of the lingering scent of your sister’s fanny from within my underwear.
Read the rest of this entry »