SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. How important is personal hygiene Harper?
My mother told me to always wash my hands before every meal, to brush my teeth twice a day and to make sure I wash behind my ears and in those hard to reach places if I wanted any chance of pulling birds. However, your mother is quite different. All I need to tell her is that her fanny smells great today and then I’m well in there.

2. How can I spice things up in the bedroom with my girlfriend?
Things must be pretty shit if you feel that you have to ask a complete stranger and also humiliate yourself to the audience of SY. Well, I can tell you one thing I know: You better shape up your act mate, because your girlfriend is a real animal in the bedroom and she told me she’d leave you if you didn’t step things up a peg or two. In fact, she told me that this morning when we curled up in bed together watching repeats of Supermarket Sweep.
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He answers your questions…

1. Valentines Day is coming up mate, where should I take my girlfriend? It is better to go over the top seduce or just play it cool?
Firstly, I’d like to point out that you are not my mate! However, in your attempt to suck up to me I will give you some tips on where to take your girlfriend. Why don’t you go to London and take her up the Oxo Tower? It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and is a bit of a strain on the old back pocket, but once you relax and have a few drinks, I’m sure you can slip right in to the occasion. You must try their cream pie dessert; it’s all the rage apparently.
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SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. What are your New Year’s resolutions Harper? I need some inspiration!
I’ve considered giving up being an agony aunt for 2010. I’m getting tired of girls throwing themselves at me in the streets, getting free money, clothes and food and VIP entry into clubs and pubs. Life is hard sometimes, don’t you think? The editor begged me to stay, and to be honest, the urge to stay and help losers like you was too strong. It’s the power invested in me to provide you with a kick up the arse worth of motivational advice. The unfortunate people of Bristol need my harsh words in their lives too badly and because of this, I’ve decided to continue gracing the rear pages of SY for another year. Sorry Alan Titchmarsh, your gardening column will have to wait little longer.
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1. What the hell do I get my parents for Christmas?
When I saw your mum last she was looking really hot. I’m in to milf, but your mum is something else. Get them a little gofer for the bedroom. I think your mum is into double pen and I know a guy who can come round on Christmas Eve for a good price.

2. Where shall I go for New Year’s Eve - not just the normal?
You can spend the evening with me if you like. I’m going to Swindon with my mate Simon for a few beers and then we’re planning on stealing a tractor and heading off to Ipswich. It’s the annual Badger Bating Festival this year. Yes, it’s true! Auntie Harper is random as fuck!
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He answers your questions…

1. What’s good to do on Bonfire Night?
In the UK we celebrate the fact that a muppet named Guy Fawkes failed to blow up Parliament. We do this by putting fireworks up cats asses, destroying post boxes with bangers, setting fire to houses and then throwing bricks at the fireman who come to clear up our mess. Well, that’s not for me! I’m spending the night comforting the dog and preventing him from shitting himself all over the living room rug.
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He answers your questions…

1. My girlfriend’s getting pissed off cos I don’t last very long in the
sack! Got any advice?
Well, if you can’t resist some ungloved love, just stick it up her ass and do her dry. It’s a completely different sensation and I have no doubt that you’ll last for hours. If that doesn’t work then I’m more than happy to come round and sort your girlfriend out. ATM is my specialty!
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1. I’m moving house this month, any advice to make the process less painful?
From what I can remember, moving houses can be quite painful. The last time I carried 10 of them I really hurt my back. That reminds me. I must book that long overdue chiropractor appointment…

2. I’m studying at UWE and about to go back for my third year but I’m not enjoying the course. What should I do? Change?
That’s it you quitter. I’m advising you to change course and go back to the 1st year. This will mean that you will spend more time at uni and get yourself more in to debt. You’ll probably graduate with a 3rd, not be able to get a job, be unemployed for the rest of your life and end up on the streets. This sort of advice is hard to come by and I’m giving you this one for free!
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1. Hello! I’m new to Bristol - who and what do I need to know?
Go to Knowle West, Lockleaze or Southmead. They are probably the poshest parts of Bristol. If you fancy going out, then Oceana is the best club by miles and for food, there is nowhere better than the Weatherspoons in Bedminster. They microwave their food like nowhere else!

2. Have you seen the Banksy show yet Harper? I think it’s wicked!
No I haven’t! Unfortunately tourists like you have been taking up the queue space meaning that I can’t even get a look-in during my lunch break. I bet you’re the person who threw paint over the Banksy art at the bottom of Park St.
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1. It’s my missus’ birthday soon, what the hell am I suppose to get her? I’m skint!
How about a 1 hour private session with your favourite agony aunt? I’ll offer a special discount rate of £20 per hour and seeing as your a 1st timer, I’ll even throw in a complementary bottle of Lambrini and box of Quality Street for her to take away a souvenir.

2. I’ve just lost my job, but needed a change anyway. Is it lucrative being an Agony Aunt?
I’m sorry mate, there be only room for one Agony Aunt in the town of Bristol; however I’ve heard Swindon are looking for a new one. Surprising how much free stuff you get when you are an agony aunt. Girls throw themselves at me in the street, which comes in handy as you can probably imagine. I take full advantage of the opportunity by stealing their wallet and phone as they grope me.
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1. No matter what I try I can’t get a decent tan!! How can I compete in the park and on the beach?
Mate, I’m a ginger and I never tan. However, I am the best looking ginger in Bristol and I get loads of fanny. No-one can ever compete with me and my good looks when down at the beach.

2. Harper! What’s better - Summer or Winter? Hot or cold?
If you can show me a place in winter where the sun always shines, women look great and the beer always tastes amazing then I’ll switch to winter. For the time being, I’m sticking with summer, thank you very much!
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