SY’s Agony Aunt answers your questions…

1. What are your New Year’s resolutions Harper? I need some inspiration!
I’ve considered giving up being an agony aunt for 2010. I’m getting tired of girls throwing themselves at me in the streets, getting free money, clothes and food and VIP entry into clubs and pubs. Life is hard sometimes, don’t you think? The editor begged me to stay, and to be honest, the urge to stay and help losers like you was too strong. It’s the power invested in me to provide you with a kick up the arse worth of motivational advice. The unfortunate people of Bristol need my harsh words in their lives too badly and because of this, I’ve decided to continue gracing the rear pages of SY for another year. Sorry Alan Titchmarsh, your gardening column will have to wait little longer.

2. I don’t seem to be having any luck with the ladies at the moment. What’s the best way to meet girls?
I picked up my last victim in Asda, Bedminster. We caught each others gaze when filling up with Pick ‘n’ Mix one morning on the way to work. I think she was on day-release at the time. Nowadays I keep her locked in the cupboard as she has begun to smell a little bit and refuses to clean her dentures.

3. My boyfriend wants me to spend Christmas with his family but they’re all nuts! What should I do?
Invite your boyfriend round to yours and tell his parents to shove Christmas up their arse. Simple!

To put your queries to Auntie Harper’s sympathetic ear just email: info@suityourselfmagazine.co.uk