He answers your questions…

1. What’s good to do on Bonfire Night?
In the UK we celebrate the fact that a muppet named Guy Fawkes failed to blow up Parliament. We do this by putting fireworks up cats asses, destroying post boxes with bangers, setting fire to houses and then throwing bricks at the fireman who come to clear up our mess. Well, that’s not for me! I’m spending the night comforting the dog and preventing him from shitting himself all over the living room rug.


2. Should I feel guilty about booking a holiday abroad - flying and all that?
I expect you’re looking for me to come up with a reason for you to not feel guilty about your excessive carbon footprint. Well, isn’t masturbation the answer to all our environmental issues? Oh, I’m sorry that was last month! I guess I should be saying something controversial this time. “Fuck global issues, I just nuke and go!” You can thank the person who wrote that on the arched bridge near Temple Meads for that literary gem!

3. When is my boyfriend going to propose? Should I do it for him?
You’re asking me, as if you think I know your boyfriend. Well, you are in luck! However, the news isn’t pretty. He thinks you’ve put on a few pounds recently and is biding his time before he lets you down gently. In fact, he’s entrusted me with the responsibility of doing that instead.

To put your queries to Auntie Harper just email: info@suityourselfmagazine.co.uk