1. I need to dump my boyfriend but I don’t know how to tell him! Any advice?
Let yourself go, stop washing, end every sentence with the word ‘like’ and start shopping in Farm Foods and to finish it off you can threaten to chop his cock off next time he tries to get in bed with you. I’m sure he’ll be happy to dump you after all that and then your problems will be sorted.

2. I can’t afford to go on holiday this summer, what should I do instead?
Unlucky you pikey fucker. I’m going to Budapest with my mates for 2 weeks. Suppose I could tell you to check out the thrills of Brean Leisure Park or the donkeys at Weston. However, my mate Ashley recommends ties and lube to waste those summer days away.

3. Harper! I forgot my best mate’s birthday! How do I make it up to him?
Get him 2 hookers at central massage. My mate did ‘em right in last month and they proper loved it. He even got a free can ‘a kestral chucked in for free!