1. I’m fed up after spending Valentine’s Day alone - where can I find a man? Any man!!!
It’s a bit late love, hasn’t Valentine’s Day already passed? I know a guy who stays in every night with a box of tissues and a copy of Nuts who’d love to go out with you next year.

2. Hello Auntie Harper. I’m trying to loose some weight but whatever I try just doesn’t work! Any tips?
Oi fatty, you fat freak! Stop eating pies! Isn’t that all the motivation you need? Just come to me for any more inspiring motivational tips. Who the fuck is Deirdre anyway?

3. My girlfriend wants us to get a cat but I hate the bleeders! What am I going to do?
Bleeders? I ain’t no cockney jockey! I love cats…Can I shag your girlfriend?