1. My flatmate is becoming a real pain in the arse. How do I get her to move out without it getting awkward?
Why are you worried about the awkward part? Step up and tell the bitch to move out. Personally, I’d just piss on her mattress. The smell of stale wee will surely be enough in tempting her to move out.

2. I think I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend. What to do, what to do!
You need to sort it out mate. She told me that she was looking for a real man and is well satisfied now she’s seeing her favourite Agony Aunt. I don’t think she’ll be taking you back anytime soon. I love your girlfriend. She’s the best shag I’ve ever had!

3. What is Auntie Harper’s recommended booze for the up-coming summer months?
Join the Bedminster alchies for a few. Brown paper bag and a bottle of rosé on East Street. Budget Booze or Budget Boozer? The world is your oyster. If you’re lucky, I may join you on my way home from work.