1. What the hell do I get my parents for Christmas?
When I saw your mum last she was looking really hot. I’m in to milf, but your mum is something else. Get them a little gofer for the bedroom. I think your mum is into double pen and I know a guy who can come round on Christmas Eve for a good price.

2. Where shall I go for New Year’s Eve - not just the normal?
You can spend the evening with me if you like. I’m going to Swindon with my mate Simon for a few beers and then we’re planning on stealing a tractor and heading off to Ipswich. It’s the annual Badger Bating Festival this year. Yes, it’s true! Auntie Harper is random as fuck!

3. Christmas makes me sick. I can’t stand it. Help me Harper - how do I cope?
Lighten up you loser and stop being such a Scrooge. Put on that Christmas strap-on and join in on the festivities like the rest of us.

To put your queries to Auntie Harper just email: info@suityourselfmagazine.co.uk