1. I am freaking out about the recession. Is it going to affect everyone? What can I do to help myself and save cash?
Head to Farm Foods; quality brands, cheaper prices. As far as knowing who will be affected, I haven’t got a Scoobie Doo. However, as the impact of the recession increases, I’m sure I will see more poor-ass bums hanging round the streets of Bedminster for me to make fun of. Today, on East Street, some asshole threw a can of Tenant’s Super at me on my way home from work. Luckily it missed!

2. What do I do in order to sort out snogging the girl I really fancy at the crimbo party?
I wouldn’t bother mate. I spoke to her for you and she reckons you’re a right minger. She’s coming round mine instead.

3. Where should my team go for a crimbo dinner, any top tips?
There’s a massage parlour in Old Market that offers a free can of Special Brew with every blow job. That’s where I’m going; I’ll see you there! Nothing wrong with a Christmas massage. Jesus would have wanted it this way.