Gift Rules for Girls:
So I guess it is easy for a girl to be disappointed with the crappy predictable gifts usually churned out for valentine’s day by their better halves but rather than continue to moan, here are a few choice ideas to give you guys an insight into the minds of the female sex.

Rule #1 – Flowers are ok, very boring, but ok, ONLY if purchased from a decent florist, supermarket flowers die within days and it is NEVER acceptable to buy them from the garage. In actual fact flowers are better kept for a random day gift or as a totally secret admirer love token. Tilly Thompson is my personal favourite.

Rule #2 – Try something original! The best gift I’ve ever had was a massive 6ft home made banner proclaiming I was the most amazing girl in the world. You can’t beat that for originality and it costs bugger all. A few old sheets and a bit of school poster paint! Bargain.

Rule #3 – If you don’t want to make something, buy something fantastic, a jar full of little glass hearts from Glass Designs on North St is a perfect present. www.glassygirly.com

Rule #4 – Underwear is good, now although girls love a bargain, they do not want their partner bagging sexy pants from Primark. Oyster Me however is perfectly acceptable.

Rule #5 – Food is ok, nice meals are great but sitting in a restaurant with other couples so old they have lost interest in each other is like a shot of Bromide to the libido, be warned and maybe book in later rather than earlier.

Gift Rules for Guys:
So another valentine’s day, another almighty rant about how it’s a manufactured holiday to force broke couples to spend money on each other and put us all in a very bad mood indeed. Although this is certainly true, another significant element is that guys just can’t be bothered. So if you do have to celebrate the V word, please make it as painless as possible for your significant other by following these simple rules.

Rule #1 – All soppy shit is contraband. No cards, no cushions, no fucking teddy-bears. A hug is fine. I know you love me, I don’t need it written on a bloody mug.

Rule #2 – Ok, we can celebrate if we really have to but can we please not do it actually on the day. Maybe a valentine’s boxing-day meal because restaurants are just impossible to book on the day, never mind being twice the price.

Rule #3 – Food is good. Pie is better. Apple and blackberry pie will make him love you forever.

Rule #4 – If we’re going to do gifts then every boys dream is a remote control helicopter. This will have him bouncing round the room with joy and determined to make it the best valentine’s day ever. Failing that, a CD or DVD will have the same effect. Probably.

Rule #5 – Lets not beat about the bush. Put out. Some guaranteed sexy-time will go down very well . . . so to speak. ahem.